To Know The Right Path
It's not always knowing where you currently are, but where you are going. It's not just good enough to know where you've come from, but where the past is taking you.
When I first walked into the academy I had a shadowy outline of the type of cop I wanted to be. I’m sure every new recruit does; based on naivete, grandiose thoughts and ideas, and previous experiences (whether with the police or not). I always will admire a new officer’s drive to “Be the Change” and I’ve tried my best to facilitate that drive, even when I know it will probably be a fruitless endeavor. I don’t think beating down someone who is new is going to benefit that new officer or the department as a whole. I also get not every FNG hair-brained idea can be tested or attempted.
However, despite my own hair-brained ideas on policing I had, I was always prepared to face the multitude of negative things that come from being a cop. I knew I’d get complaints no matter how fair and impartial I tried to be. I knew at some point I’d do something completely legally and in the right, and end up in trouble for it and talking to Internal Affairs or whatever civilian oversight agency was over me. I also knew that I’d end up on the tail end of a lawsuit. Despite all that “negative” thinking, I didn’t dwell on it; it was just something in the back of my mind.
I knew that I wanted to be fair, impartial, justice oriented, victim-advocate-y as possible as a cop. I also knew that if I’m going to play the long game in the profession living in the complete negative wouldn’t do me good. I didn’t want to be the cop that retires and 3 months later is dead. My goal was, and is, to cash more pension checks as a retiree than I cashed as an active cop. I made it a priority to be honest in everything I do. That meant if I screwed up, no matter how bad, I’d just be truthful. Even if that meant I might become ostracized or lose my job.
I wanted my integrity intact, no matter the cost
What I did in the academy, and still do now, is a Stoic concept called premeditatio malorum; the pre-meditation of evils. While I had not heard of that concept, I was a practitioner of it before I knew what it was. As a Boy Scout I always did my best to be prepared, this was just me doing the same for my future as a baby cop.
When I’ve been called to the carpet I’ve tried not to be hostile towards the one doing the calling. I’ve tried to do everything completely by the book, but I know I’ve missed the mark several times and had to explain my actions, or inactions. While I agree it isn’t comfortable, and many times didn’t seem fair (to me at least), I know if I can take something away from it I can be better on the back end. It was something else I can add to my tool belt for future situations or when I find myself on the other side of a Garrity warning.
I chuckle every time an officer gets a court notification to go down to talk to city attorneys about a lawsuit, the roll call would erupt into a chorus of ‘OOOOOOO!’s. Then some laughter at some made up reason for why the officer was going down. I knew a day would come when it was my name called to go down, and much like Proximo in the movie Gladiator tells the gladiators that they will die to the sound of clapping, I was ushered downtown to the glorious sound of ‘OOOOO!’s as well.
Could I have been worried? Sure.
Was I? Of course, I’m human.
Was this unexpected? Not in the least bit.
However instead of completely becoming scared that I was about to face having everything taken from me in a lawsuit, or in the times I’ve going to IA or a civilian board facing discipline via unpaid time off or termination (it was never THAT bad), I knew that the path I had chosen was what I thought was the best. I am by no means saying I’ve done everything right, my discipline record shows that I haven’t. But I also wanted to remain as neutral as possible about a situation. To me there was no point in fighting whomever I was sitting across from investigating whatever policy or Civil Rights violation I had allegedly committed, it was just part of my job.
When I entered the academy I KNEW I’d be sitting in a small office, with audio and video recording going on, being handed a written Garrity warning and a pen to sign it. I knew I’d be listing assets and my financials on a spreadsheet at some point. So when I sat in those dimly light offices having accusations being tossed my way and having to admit (at times) I did something wrong, I did so prepared. I’d already taken the time to sit in that room when I was sitting in my first day at the academy, even if it was only in my head.
Here is my professional philosophy on being prepared:
When the situation comes, as it one day will, one must be as prepared as possible. Preparedness is solely left to the individual officer, and while one cannot train for every specific situation, one can gird their mind, body, and spirit to handle what may come.
Preparedness is not just what accouterments one has fixed to their uniform, person, or profession. It is the wisdom to know when to, and when not to, use any of the items one has at their disposal.
I try to apply that to every aspect of my career, because at some point I might be facing down an armed suspect intent on hurting others, trying to desperately save the life of a colleague, or doing my best to stay in the fight as my life drains from my body.
I also know that this isn’t something new for any cop out there. We all play and replay, over and over, in our heads, and sometimes our dreams, the “worst case” scenarios. I just applied that to more than on-the-job and in-the-moment situations, but also to the mundane aspects of my career. I knew I’d have days off canceled, miss birthday parties and holidays, have to leave family and friend gatherings early to go to work, or just be so exhausted I wanted to cry.
Have I always been rather cynical? Yes.
My cynical nature sometimes (and often) gets the best of me, and sometimes to my own and my family’s detriment. To me that just means it needs refinement and more mental rehearsal to dial it in and use it when appropriate.
Am I saying that cops need to be completely cortisol filled 24/7, back-to-the-wall at all times, and unable to enjoy life and the fruits of their hard labor as cops?
Absolutely not.
The middle ground is being aware that your actions today might upset someone tomorrow and you’ll be called to account for those actions.
That doesn’t mean living in fear, trying to avoid contact with people at all costs in uniform, or being completely meek that you’re a push over. It’s means taking the time to think about what may come to pass, how to best shape a future life if something doesn’t go in your favor, and to be as prepared as possible for situations on the street as well as situations in offices of government oversight personnel.