Today I escaped anxiety. Or no, I discarded it, because it was within me, in my own perceptions—not outside. — Marcus Aurelius
I’m having a tattoo artist work on a new tattoo for me, and while there is a lot of symbolism in it, there are 2 main themes to it:
Momento Mori - The reminder that I will one day die
And
Amor Fati - The love of a fate
Some of the more well known and profound Stoic principles, spoken about in depth by Marcus Aurelius, Seneca, and Epictetus. However the theme throughout their works, and just about any self-help book out there whether it is 2000 year old advice or the newest book fresh off the presses, is we have control over our actions and attitudes towards a situation.
My attitude
Probably my most read blog post, My Break-up Letter with Chicago was where I typed out that I had no control. No control over what the mayor will do. No control over what the department will do. No control over what my supervisors (good or bad) will do. And no control over what the citizens of Chicago will do. Like I said there, and I’ve really had a chance to reflect back on it over the last nearly 18 months of being gone, I could only control the outcomes that were related to me and my family. I felt broken as a cop, like I couldn’t do what was being asked of me, and that brought a great deal of frustration, anxiety, stress, and sadness.
It was on a couple of vacations over 2 years throughout the US when I realized that there was grass elsewhere. Maybe not greener, maybe not manicured, maybe it was even fake grass, but there was grass I could go play on. I’ve said it several times before, but while the policing profession is in a bit of a crisis in regards to staffing with new blood, the ones that still bleed blue have departments with open check books and open arms to welcome them. I spent nearly 2 years wrestling with the idea of leaving CPD and going somewhere else. I looked to the east coast, looked to the south, and to the west. At the end of the day my attitude was sour towards the department and the profession in general. However I knew I was called to be a cop, so why was I feeling this way?
I told myself I’ll know when it is time to go
I looked at so many departments that I started to forget the idea of wanting to apply. My wife and I made a list of the pros and cons about departments; pay, cost of living, benefits, access to different activities, where family was…the list was nearly endless. It was on a drive in the mountains that I looked at my wife and said, “Do you want to live here?”
Without hesitation she said yes. So I narrowed down my search and sent 1 application out. I didn’t apply like a madman, I didn’t feel like I needed to. If this was going to happen, it was out of my control once I hit send. I was going to take an action and let fate make her decision.
And the process began.
Like anyone applying for a law enforcement job there is an extensive background process. They call old coworkers, supervisors, reach out to local law enforcement, run in depth background checks…it is truly an invasive and lengthy (but needed) process. One of my red flags was a lawsuit I was named in as having violated someone’s civil rights. The case has been put on indefinite hold, but essentially 2 clowns decided to shoot at each other, both end up in the ER, but the 1 guy was the aggressor and was charged. Like most Cook County cases involving drug dealers, the “victims” didn’t want to press charges, add with COVID in the jails, a lot of people got their cases dismissed; this case was one of them.
Well, those ambulance chasing attorneys scooped the case right up and started in. Eventually a video was released that completely put the guy suing me in the wrong and the case was dropped. However I had to disclose the lawsuit in my packet. While I was working an off duty gig and got a phone call from my background investigator, a retired NYPD cop (accent and all). He said that he needed more information on the lawsuit as it was a big red flag and would disqualified me. At this point I’ve made several trips on my own dime for different portions of the application process, so I was invested in making this happen.
I explained the situation and hung up the phone.
I immediately felt trapped.
Here I was, having done nothing wrong, trapped because of how few of the frivolous lawsuits the city actually fights. I had just talked to the city attorney and knew it would be months and months before it would be closed (it was over a year when it was finally dismissed…but I digress).
While I’ve never been the victim of domestic violence or abuse, I felt completely dejected, alone, and powerless to Chicago and her politics. While taking this moment to feel sorry for myself, sending a warning text to my wife that this move may not happen, it was that moment it was made clear to me that it was definitely time to leave. All my fears and anxieties of the future, all my worries about what my family and friends would think, none of it mattered. I made the decision it was time to go. Feeling trapped and like there was no way out might sound extreme, but I know I’m not alone in that feeling because I’ve talked to so many other cops who struggled to leave departments and had snafus when leaving.
I know from my experience as a cop that a lot of domestic violence victims return to their abuser or let them back into their lives. I also knew if I went to just some suburban department outside Chicago I’d eventually come back. So the decision made sense to move away, far away, and move forward in my career.
I always wanted to be a cop, but I realized that I do not need to work for a specific department, and because of that I could find a department that works for me. I spent a lot of time talking to former Chicago cops who left for various departments, and for where I applied (it's on X, you can figure it out) and upon hearing their thoughts, it made sense.
My actions
I know for a fact there are some angry Chicago cops out there and don’t like it when people leave for other departments. And I get it, CPD was the department everyone wanted to get on. No one ever left Chicago for another department, they came TO Chicago. It was the REAL police, and no one else could compare. And that’s true…you cannot beat the experience even the laziest cop gets working in a city like Chicago.
But that’s also the catch.
That experience is worth something, and places will pay for it.
And handsomely.
People move around corporate structures and companies without so much as a care, but when working the public service sector it is frowned upon, but I don’t know why. It’s almost like a dirty little secret that you CAN leave, find a department that better suits what someone is looking for, and better yourself and your family. I moved around in my automotive career and no one had an issue, I improved my skill set and my moves increased my status in that field.
My Love of Fate
I know I cannot control what happens, as fate almost kept me from moving around in this career field, but my actions can at least influence fate just a little. If I was forced to stay I would have embraced where I was and what I could do about improving my lot within the department. Instead I was able to make a move and go to a department that better suited my personal and professional needs.
While I had to start over seniority wise, I also knew I was bringing something to the department and not just looking to take from it. Yes, I have a way better work/life balance than I did before, a schedule that is more conducive to family and leisure time. While every department has it’s issues, even where I’m at now, any cop worth their salt can find a department that better suits their personal needs. Not the needs of the department, although I’d argue a better fit in one direction will benefit both parties.
So if you’re in a spot where you can make a move and further your career in a direction that better suits how you envision your future, do it. Do the research, talk to the officers that came from other departments, talk to the ones in the department in question, go for a ride along, because as time goes on and on (as it will) the decision to make a move will make less and less sense.
If you’re happy where you’re at, then stay. There is obviously something there that makes you happy, that works for you and your family, and that’s awesome. I genuinely mean that. When friends ask me how it is, I’m honest about it, the good and the bad, then I always try to ask them if they still enjoy where they are at, and I listen. I don’t attempt to sway their minds, if a particular situation suits their needs, there is no need to change it. I just always offer them a place to crash if they are passing through or coming to visit.
If you’re the type that takes issue with someone that makes a move that perhaps doesn’t make sense to you, instead of immediately thinking something is wrong with them, maybe ask why they did it, and then listen. Listening as a skill seems completely underdeveloped in people today, we all (myself included) want to offer a solution or rebuttal, but I’ve learned that people will make moves internally or externally within a department that better suit them. When my old partners had a chance to move on and up in their careers, I always encouraged them. Yeah it sucks sometimes, but a good fellow officer will applaud you as you move on, not attempt to drag you down.
As always, I’m pretty open about my career journey, and moving around has just been another challenge. I have had cops I know, and some I don’t, get in touch with me and ask me how the process goes to make a lateral move. So if you are thinking about it and have questions, feel free to ask. I’ll be honest about the stresses of the move itself, and the benefits of it once the move has been made.
While we cannot completely control our fate, like a sailboat out to sea and there is no wind, when the winds of fate do blow and those sails begin to billow and strain, we can at least stand at the helm and give our lives some direction.